HELLO OPERATOR - P.C MAINTENANCE AMERICAN-STYLE

HELLO OPERATOR

Actual call center conversations!

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1200 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'

Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'

Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'

Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

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Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I

need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and

telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the

number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

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RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am

traveling in Australia?'

Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)

'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to

change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

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Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland .'

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'

Customer: 'OK.'

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this

point?'

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

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Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can

you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

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Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.

So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'

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This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the

customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently

suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words

went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared'

Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I

type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where

the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's

plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that

there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just

one? '

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and

find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into

the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean

way over?'

Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's

because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark?'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is

coming in from the window.'

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not?'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it

licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and

packing stuff that your computer came in?'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it

up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to

the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

Real Email Traffic re Admin Post Aberdeenshire Council

> > To hoom it mae cunsern,
>
> I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
>
> I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..
>
> I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
> Pepole really seam to respond
> to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.
>
> I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
>
> My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
>
> I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
>
> hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
>
> Sinseerly,
>
> BRIAN
>
> PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
>
>
> (Embedded image moved to file: pic05705.jpg)
> Employer's response:
>
> Dear Brian ,
>
> It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
>
> See you Monday.
>
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To hoom it mae cunsern,
>
> I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
>
> I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..
>
> I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
> Pepole really seam to respond
> to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.
>
> I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
>
> My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
>
> I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
>
> hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
>
> Sinseerly,
>
> BRIAN
>
> PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
>
>
> (Embedded image moved to file: pic28145.jpg)
> Employer's response:
>
> Dear Brian ,
>
> It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
>
> See you Monday.
>
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Original Creative Writing Available To Read At Triond

Hi folks, you can read more of my creative writing, poetry and short stories, fictional shorts, at online publisher Triond. Just go to www.Triond.com

Demon Shoes event

Enjoyed attending multi-arts evening called 'Demon Shoes' by talented Dundee group Hearing Voices Network at Steps Theatre, Wellgate Centre last Tuesday, as part of Life Art Mind Dundee/Scottish Mental Health Arts & Film Festival. Enjoyable, thought provoking, included poetry readings, live soft-rock/reggae style music, short drama and well produced video film of the group members and their creative art.

3 Asylums Dying short films screening

Watched thought provoking, interesting series of 3 short films re Liff, Murray Royal and Sunnyside mental health asylums at Life Art Mind Dundee/Scottish Mental Health Arts & Film Festival at the Steps Theatre, Wellgate Centre, Dundee last Thursday.

Emotional Life of Furniture drama

Watched interesting drama last Wednesday as part of the Life Art Mind Dundee/Scottish Mental Health Arts & Film Festival The Emotional Life of Furniture at Little Theatre, Dundee.

Compelling Flights Game

Play this compelling flights game devised by Lufthansa airline - land the plane at the given European destinations exactly to gain maximum points.

Click on link to start the game:-

RANNOCH MOOR, BY ERIK ZOHA

Sun setting on Rannoch Moor –
Gnarled, ancient, wizened tree,
Ominous storm-filled sky,
Mile on mile of blanket moor
From Schiehallion to Buachaille.

Rowan, ash and oak remnants
Like decimated armies;
Isolated, ruined crofts,
Reminders of clearances,
Birds of prey on guard as sentries.

New Poetry

Splendid Isolation by Erik Zoha

Proud to be different, I stand alone,
In splendid isolation, adjacent to –
But not in – the Highland mountain stream,
Related to metamorphic rock mass
And (distantly) to colourful pink/blue
Amalgams, and to polished black/grey
Pebbles, my beauty more hidden, subtle,
Until shafts of sunlight pick out the
Silvery, glistening quartzite. Tough,
Resilient, enduring through aeons of time.


Caledonian Quartzite by Erik Zoha

Angular, part roughly hewn, part glistening bright,
I am weathered and ancient, yet attractive.
Part-smooth to touch, a mass of contradictions.
Formed from seismic and Vulcan activity,
Pock-marked, veiny, deep clefts super-heated/
Super-cooled, eroded and glaciated.
Resilient, strong enough to deflect
Magnetic compasses of walkers climbing the
Conical peak of Schiehallion, used by scientists
As a mark in determining the size of the Earth.

2nd Top In The Times Football Fantasy League

Good start to the new season for my fantasy football team, REDLETTER0809
LEAGUE 18197 POINTS GK/DEF MF/FW
Rank PTG Pts Team CS G/A Def Min Pts G A SP Min Pts
1 84 Leo's Galacticos 11 3.5 11 9 9 10.5 6 5 10 9
2 79.5 REDLETTER0809 4 11 9 10 9 10.5 6 4 8 8
3 78.5 Grahamstown FC 9 3.5 10 7.5 7 4.5 9 11 6 11
4 78 Billygoats 4 8.5 6 7.5 5.5 4.5 11 10 11 10
5 62 breverton1962 4 8.5 4 5 11 9 3 6 9 2.5
6 61.5 essential all stars 9 3.5 3 6 4 4.5 9 9 7 6.5
7 60.5 Steve's Strikers 4 8.5 7 11 5.5 1 9 7 5 2.5
8 56 Smudges select 11 4 8.5 5 3 9 4.5 6 8 4 4
9 46.5 Dougle23 9 3.5 8 4 2 4.5 3 3 3 6.5
10 27 WellsUnited 4 3.5 2 1 2 4.5 1 2 2 5
11 26.5 ShowUsYourNani 4 3.5 1 2 2 8 3 1 1 1

Attention All Rangers Fans; Flight Now Departing...

The slogan on the football shirt reads: in and out of Europe in 3 hours.

Thought For The Day - I Owe My Mother

I OWE MY MOTHER
>
>
> 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
> "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
> cleaning."
>
> 2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
> "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
>
> 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
> "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
> next week!"
>
> 4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
> " Because I said so, ! that's why."
>
> 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
> "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
> the store with me."
>
> 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
> "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
>
> 7. My mother taught me IRONY
> "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
>
> 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
> "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
>
> 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
> "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
>
> 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
> "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
>
> 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
> "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
>
> 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
> "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
>
> 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
> "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
>
> 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
> "Stop acting like your father!"
>
> 15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
> "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
> have wonderful parents like you do."
>
> 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
> "Just wait until we get home."
>
> 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
> "You are going to get it when you get home!"
>
> 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
> "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
> way."
>
> 19. My mother taught me ESP.
> "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
>
> 20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
> "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
>
> 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
> "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
>
> 22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
> "You're just like your father."
>
> 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
> "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
>
> 24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
> "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
>
> 25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
> "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

The Ting Tings

Oor Wullie: Ae Fond Tribute

Here is a poem I wrote in honour of the wee lad on his bucket, as part of the CD-ROM of poetry and prose with my writers' group, Hilltown Writers, of Dundee.

Oor Wullie: Ae Fond Tribute

The braw young lad oan his bucket
Wis ne’er feart o’ a wee stushie
Wi’ Fat Bob, Soapy Soutar aun Wee Eck;
Tackety boots raisin’ sparks on the grund
Wi’ PC Murdoch as nemesis
Aun Ma aun Pa tae set him richt.
Wullie kent richt frae wrang
But oor hero kent hoo tae entertain
Us wi’ his cheeky grin aun gallus wyes.

By Erik Zoha

Kyle of Lochalsh Overlooking Skye

Summer Isles Wester Ross

Thurso, Caithness, Overlooking Orkney

Enjoyed a sun and showers holiday 14th-19th July based in a good B&B in Dingwall, north of Inverness. Good food, nice room, friendly hosts. Toured the North West Highlands including Ullapool, Lochinver, Kinlochbervie, up to Durness near Cape Wrath lighthouse. Also visited Thurso in the North East, took wildlife/geology sea cruise to the Summer Isles of Ullapool, and visited Kyle of Lochalsh, by which time the weather had closed in, so did not visit Skye. Good photography weather.

Sango Beach Durness

Quinag Mountain

Suilven Mountain

The Strange Case of Presidents Lincoln and Kennedy

Lincoln vs. Kennedy

Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846
Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946

He was elected President in 1860
He was elected President in 1960

His wife lost a child while living in the White House
His wife lost a child while living in the White House

He was directly concerned with Civil Rights
He was directly concerned with Civil Rights

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who told him not to go to the theater *1
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who told him not to go to Dallas *2

Lincoln was shot in the back of the head in the presence of his wife
Kennedy was shot in the back of the head in the presence of his wife

Lincoln shot in the Ford Theatre
Kennedy shot in a Lincoln, made by Ford

He was shot on a Friday
He was shot on a Friday

The assassin, John Wilkes Booth, was known by three names, comprised of fifteen letters
The assassin, Lee Harvey Oswald, was known by three names, comprised of fifteen letters

Booth shot Lincoln in a theater and fled to a warehouse *3
Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and fled to a theater

Booth was killed before being brought to trial
Oswald was killed before being brought to trial

There were theories that Booth was part of a greater conspiracy
There were theories that Oswald was part of a greater conspiracy

Lincoln's successor was Andrew Johnson, born in 1808
Kennedy's successor was Lyndon Johnson, born in 1908

Attending the Lord Provost's Reception

Enjoyed attending a civic reception at Dundee City Chambers last night. For contributiing to the Hilltown Writers' Group, meeting weekly at the Highwayman Youth/Community Centre, I was presented with a certificate - as part of Adult Learners' Week - by the Lord Provost, John Letford. It was an enjoyable night, well attended by about 75 adult learners, their tutors and members of the council - enjoyed the free finger buffet meal and the free alcohol being served. It was a good morale-booster and good recognition for the Hilltown Writers' Group literary efforts. A group photo was taken and printed in The Courier along with a report of the event.

News Update - 40th birthday, music gigs

Enjoyed my 40th birthday celebrations with friends from the Hilltown Writers Group, Duncan and Jim, at the Pillars bar in Crichton Street, Dundee. Several sociable drinks and good conversation.

Also enjoyed the Woodlands Dance Orchestra's recent gig at the Trinity Church in Victoria Street Dundee, varied playlist of jazz, swing, modern pop, 60s medley, performed well by the band and singers.

Tried to book a ticket for the back-touring 2/4 of Queen - Brian May & Roger Taylor - + ex-Free singer Paul Rodgers at the SECC in Glasgow, supporting their forthcoming album of new rock material, but missed out due to high demand and a persistent flu virus sabotaging my online attempts at registering in time. Will try to book a ticket to see Kaiser Chiefs instead, touring the Highlands in May before appearing at T in the Park.

CD-ROM Writing Project - Hilltown and Dundee

My collaborative project with Hilltown Writers Group re poems, short stories, prose, photographs old and new, readings/audio files will soon be available on CD-ROM via the Central Library and I will post a selection of my writing on this blog, so keep watching this space!

Greetings bloggers, Happy New Year! Hope you all enjoyed the festive season.
The Hilltown Writers' group CD-ROM of poems, prose, artwork, photographs, is progressing well and should be finished by the end of February. We are going into the studio at Hilltown FM to record readings, introduction/voiceover next Friday and are visiting The Courier photos archive at Meadowside, Dundee in 2 weeks time to look at publishing copyright and archive photos for the project.
I am mastering my new digital camera, will upload or download pics on the blog when I understand the manual!, enjoying my bottle of malt whisky and admiring my new watch - all great Xmas presents. Have a good 2008.

Fish Out Of Water

Feeling out of place: a fish out of water,
'Snobby' Perthite decamped 22 miles downwater
To City of Discovery; home of Oor Wullie,
The Broons, The Courier, Sunday Post, Evening Tullay.
Good points: Hilltown Writers' Group, DCA, Rep, entertainment;
Bad points: deprivation, depression, widespread unemployment,
Anti-social neighbours, crime, vandalism, litter louts,
But not all rosy in Perth either, swings and roundabouts.
So, go with the flow, make new friends, develop interests,
Realising Dundee's fine when you get to know it.

By Erik Zoha